Dear God,

Tonight I was praying, as normal for this things I needed. Whether they were for myself, my family or my friends and others made no difference. I was still asking you to do something for us all. 

You told me to be still. I did. I have done this many times. To be still in you Lord is to wait for your word in my heart. But this time it was different. Your word did not come. 

Instead, I began to see a movie of my life. 

I have suffered much. None of which is your doing. Mostly I am like a child who was told not to touch the stove. I touch it, it burns me, then you love me and heal me. At some point I touch it again and we start over. I will be forever grateful to you for that. You have helped me through the pain and the restrictions that I suffer. They are caused by disease, disorder and surgery to correct birth defects. The pain is there all the time. Sometimes I don't know if I can do another day. But you have given me your word to get me through: Matthew :6:34-Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof. I used to think I would learn to live with it. Now, I know it will always be a daily walk with you. 

I once thought I was here to enjoy life. Meaning: have enough, be enough, give enough, love and be loved enough. Now I know I am only here to serve you. Whether it is by ministering and praying for your children. Or loving my husband when he is unlovable. Or looking into the eye of the enemy and saying "I have a better way, a better god, and a deeper joy: and you can have that too, if you will just let me tell you how." When my husband hinders my walk, you Lord have once more, brought your word to me. Numbers 30:3-15 and Genesis 2:18. It is with your word I am reminded that I am here to help my husband. When he is gone from me, then, I am my own. Until then my goals and ambitions are to be woven into my family. To bind us all together, as one body, not two beings going our own ways. If I have accomplished this, I have completed my mission as the wife of my husband. 

You have blessed me with children. In addition, you have made me very aware of the time I shall have them. It will be short. They are not mine to keep. They will not live next door. I can not be fruitful and multiple and fill the earth if the only place my kin live is next door. Understanding the pursuit of a new life, not career or job, but "life" is an integral part of my heritage. My ancestors were on the Santa Maria, one of the boats the Pilgrims used to come to a land of freedom. My grandfather was part of the Alaskan gold rush. My other grandfather was a sailor and helped to build the Panama Canal. When Florida was first opened to settlement my relatives moved there. It was a land of freedom and opportunity. We are not scared to go. But just as Abraham did, when you go you always leave someone behind. I know my children will go, and I, being old, will be left behind. However, you have shown me, it will be OK. 

You have tried to keep me steady on your course. My job is a my living, but only as long as you allow me to be there. That can change at any moment. You proved that to me once with a downsizing in one day on a job I had had for twelve years. Then with a plant that had been open for 30 years closing down, leaving everyone jobless. I have now learned to rely on you. You are my provider, my joy and my peace. 

You have given me a heart for the lost. I was standing in busy place and I asked you to let me see the people as you see them and to feel the compassion you felt. You did what I asked, though I believe you showed me a very small portion. I saw them as robots walking into dark tunnels towards their doom. You were running beside them telling them to turn, they would just keep on walking, it was so sad. Then came the compassion, it hit me with such force I was immediately on my knees with my hands raised screaming your name for release from such a burden. Of course you did not allow that in reality. They would have hauled me away. It was in my spirit, but it seemed so real, I still shudder when I think of it. Yes... You have given me a heart for the lost. 

I have had many of my friends die. Many violent deaths. I have learned to accept and walk on. There were times I have looked back to see only one set of footprints in the sand. Because I have loved you for so long, I was able to feel you carrying me. You taught me one thing. From your word: Vengeance is mine sayith the Lord: Romans 1219. Most importantly, I am content to let it be so. 

What I saw in my life is that there is great joy to be gotten from serving you. You have made my days peaceful, and my nights quiet. When the storm rages I can watch in awe instead of trembling with fear. I will suffer all the things that will happen in a normal life, grieving, pain, lack, persecution, mockery and a myriad of other things. When others cried, I was rejoicing, when others were fretting, I was ministering, when others were afraid, I was leading a sinner to Christ, I will hear you in my heart from now to eternity. You and only you are the giver of peace. One more time you point me to your word Matthew 11:28-30 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. I know I must do that moment by moment, day by day, week by week, month by month and year by year for the length of my life. For my life is to be spent serving you. You are truly, The Servant King, and you are calling us now to follow you, giving our lives as a daily offering to you our Lord. And through this joy is our strength. NEHEMIAH 8:10 Then he said unto them, Go your way, eat the fat, and drink the sweet, and send portions unto them for whom nothing is prepared: for this day is holy unto our Lord: neither be ye sorry; for the joy of the LORD is your strength. Your word applies to all things. 

Dear God, my letter is almost finished, I have only to say Thank you. Thank you for sending your son Jesus. Thank you for your Holy Spirit. Thank you for my body. Thank you for my mind. Thank you for allowing me to be drawn unto you, that I might be saved. Thank you for the rainbow. Thank you for all the things that are too many to name. Of course we know there is no way I could repay what you have done. So I will continue to live in your grace, being obedient to your spirit and ask only that you give me the strength and the tools I need to accomplish that which you have for me to do. 

Dear God, I must say, without you the world would be so void I can not even imagine it. I have been trying to end my letter but I can not bring myself to associate the word good-by with you. So in preparation for our next conversation I will simply say...

Dear God.......................................................................

Sarah Lane

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